Soul Collage: Committee Suit "The Restless Self"

I have been feeling this intense sense of restlessness lately.  The need for change - something new.  I really think this has to do with my stage in life: 43 years old - married almost 19 years.  The questions of "Is this all there is?" and "Do I ever get to feel that sense of novelty, thrill and excitement again?" keep bubbling up to the surface.

The background is an exploding volcano - so much destructive energy.  I am a little worried that my restless energy could become destructive - doing something I will regret later.  But most of that background is covered up.  So maybe that is a good thing.  Keep it contained.

There is the speedboat that probably represents thrill and excitement but also luxury and indulgence.  A bit of dangerous playfulness too.  The jar with the lightning bolt conveys a bottled up power force.  As if that cork is going to pop off any second.  Could be alcohol, "tiger's blood" or just potential energy.  Right now I feel I have so much to share, but no outlet for it.

I picked the gun - not for a violent image, but as another symbol of power.  "If I can not gain your respect, I will just take it!"  Fear. There is a credit card coming out of the top of the gun -  I did not even see that until I started cutting it out - credit is potential money, money is potential power.  Really starting to feel the pressures of money, or lack of.

I am a bit baffled by the  tree trunk body / TV headed figure.  It seems frightened and confused. I am frightened and confused by all this bottled energy.  How do I sublimate it without hurting myself or others around me? I am also uncertain of the meaning of the leopard.  It seems to be stalking its' prey.  Maybe it's a "cougar".  What is it I am "Stalking"?

I think I need to stop thinking about all the exciting things that I don't have, and refocus on what already exists in my life that I can get excited about.

Soul Collage: Committee Suit "The Warrior"

This started out as "The Warrior". I wanted to portray my strength.  I am a strong person - physically and mentally.  I maintain my strength through the practice of martial arts and distance running. I travel for work, and I am often alone.  I need to feel strong when I am in a strange city. I trust that, if I had to, I could protect myself.  It may be a false sense of security, but I believe that we all need to live our lives with a sense of security - false or not.  If we do not live with some delusions, than life may be too hard to handle.  Maybe that is what causes people to be depressed. They live without delusion. They only see reality, without the silver-lining or rose-colored glasses  We need our delusions.

But I digress...

This collage became about something else. Now this collage seems to be about opposites.  I love the jockey on the snail.  Not sure why I originally chose this image.  So often my life is a "Hurry up and wait" or maybe it's that I expect to hurry things that just can not be rushed.  When I achieved my 1st degree Black Belt  I though I was a badass.  However, my Sensei told me that NOW I was a student just beginning my journey. I often try to rush the process.

I placed the woman swinging a pick-axe at balloons.  Overkill when a small pin would do the job?  Using the wrong tools for the job.  Bigger and more aggressive is not always better. Sometimes, it seems, that I make my life seem much more difficult than it is.  Am I working too hard at things that should be simpler?

However it could be something completely different.  On occasion a balloon can be deceptively difficult to pop.  Stronger than it looks.  Just like me!

New Assignment!! The SoulCollage

I will be starting on a new art assignment.  This will be a weekly art activity, as opposed to a daily one.
I will be doing a technique called "The SoulCollage, created by Ms. Seena Frost.  The SoulCollage process is an intuitive way to tend the soul and explore the psyche at the same time.  Some images that I will choose may show parts of my multi-layered personality, while others will express archetypes, personal animals guides or my community.  I will create an entire Soul Collage deck to address many aspects of myself.  Just like in a traditional deck of cards, there are four suits to the SoulCollage:
1. The Committee Suit: The Psychological Dimension
2. The Community Suit: The Communal Dimension
3. The Companion Suit: The Energetic Dimension
4. The Council Suit: The Archetypal Dimension

I have begun with the Committee Suite (I love the word committee because of all the double letters).   Here I am taking a deep look at all the different aspects of my personality - you know, the voices in my head.  This week's choice I am calling "The Confused Parent".

I have moved from the young child parenting stage into the teenager/young adult parenting stage.  This new stage is so vastly different that I am reassessing who I am and where do I fit into this relationship - the boundaries just are not as clear.

Okay, so here's what I came up with...The background is a map because I need some direction and/or because I am lost.  Than we have the person rubbing their eyes in this universal "I give up/I can't cope" gesture.  The eyes are closed and the glasses are removed so I can not see or see clearly.  Maybe I have the tools (the glasses) but I am just not using them properly at the moment.

The top of the head has been replaced by a clock - time ticking away.  This is a very different type of internal biological clock that I felt when I was ready to have babies.  This clock is my life and opportunities slipping away.  The feeling of "I will never do ______ again".  Fill in the blank with "push a child on a swing", "get into shananagans with my friends", "fall in love".

Notice that at the bottom, there is organic baby food that is morphing into alcohol.  How did I get from being in control of everything to almost nothing?  I used to know what/when/where they ate/played/pooped/slept.  Now I am lucky if I get eat one meal a day with them or even meet their friends.  It hasn't happened yet, but I am waiting the day when one of the daughters comes home drunk and puking from a party (oh yes, it will happen eventually).

There is a stack of hundred dollar bills behind the right side of the head and hands.  Money is a big issue right now. I hate that it is.  I feel that at this stage of my life there should be less financial struggle. But the struggle is there everyday, and it becomes more obvious as designer clothes are requested, driver's license are archived and collage approaches. As I get older, their stuff gets more expensive.

Finally, in the upper right corner (the future) is a dinosaur skull. Every day I feel like I am more and more obsolete and archaic.  Sometimes I can not even understand the conversations taking place right in front of me - it's like they are speaking a foreign language.  I feel old. I am struggling to hang on to youth, but having teenagers is a constant reminder that youth belongs to them.

So there it is... "The Confused Parent"  The first in the Committee Suit.