SoulCollage: Four months after surgery

Way back on May 6, 2011, my daughter Cydney had a surgery to remove a cyst from her ovary (the Dr had to take the ovary also).  It very was scary, and I felt angry and helpless.

Now, almost four months later, she is healthy and it is almost as if it never happened. I created this SoulCollage right after the surgery while I was still scared confused and angry, but also grateful.

There are images in this collage that look like an egg, as I was thinking about my daughter's ovaries and her ability (in the future) to get pregnant - or not.  To be a mother is something that is very important to her - something I did not know about my own daughter until this situation came up.

The hands holding cans look like that old telephone game.  I guess I was thinking about communication.  At first it was hard for my hubby and I to talk about our daughter without blaming each other, but I realized that we had to be on the same team and stop the blaming.  But there is a knot in the line - that interferes with direct communication.

Soul Collage: Committee Suit "The Restless Self"

I have been feeling this intense sense of restlessness lately.  The need for change - something new.  I really think this has to do with my stage in life: 43 years old - married almost 19 years.  The questions of "Is this all there is?" and "Do I ever get to feel that sense of novelty, thrill and excitement again?" keep bubbling up to the surface.

The background is an exploding volcano - so much destructive energy.  I am a little worried that my restless energy could become destructive - doing something I will regret later.  But most of that background is covered up.  So maybe that is a good thing.  Keep it contained.

There is the speedboat that probably represents thrill and excitement but also luxury and indulgence.  A bit of dangerous playfulness too.  The jar with the lightning bolt conveys a bottled up power force.  As if that cork is going to pop off any second.  Could be alcohol, "tiger's blood" or just potential energy.  Right now I feel I have so much to share, but no outlet for it.

I picked the gun - not for a violent image, but as another symbol of power.  "If I can not gain your respect, I will just take it!"  Fear. There is a credit card coming out of the top of the gun -  I did not even see that until I started cutting it out - credit is potential money, money is potential power.  Really starting to feel the pressures of money, or lack of.

I am a bit baffled by the  tree trunk body / TV headed figure.  It seems frightened and confused. I am frightened and confused by all this bottled energy.  How do I sublimate it without hurting myself or others around me? I am also uncertain of the meaning of the leopard.  It seems to be stalking its' prey.  Maybe it's a "cougar".  What is it I am "Stalking"?

I think I need to stop thinking about all the exciting things that I don't have, and refocus on what already exists in my life that I can get excited about.

New Assignment!! The SoulCollage

I will be starting on a new art assignment.  This will be a weekly art activity, as opposed to a daily one.
I will be doing a technique called "The SoulCollage, created by Ms. Seena Frost.  The SoulCollage process is an intuitive way to tend the soul and explore the psyche at the same time.  Some images that I will choose may show parts of my multi-layered personality, while others will express archetypes, personal animals guides or my community.  I will create an entire Soul Collage deck to address many aspects of myself.  Just like in a traditional deck of cards, there are four suits to the SoulCollage:
1. The Committee Suit: The Psychological Dimension
2. The Community Suit: The Communal Dimension
3. The Companion Suit: The Energetic Dimension
4. The Council Suit: The Archetypal Dimension

I have begun with the Committee Suite (I love the word committee because of all the double letters).   Here I am taking a deep look at all the different aspects of my personality - you know, the voices in my head.  This week's choice I am calling "The Confused Parent".

I have moved from the young child parenting stage into the teenager/young adult parenting stage.  This new stage is so vastly different that I am reassessing who I am and where do I fit into this relationship - the boundaries just are not as clear.

Okay, so here's what I came up with...The background is a map because I need some direction and/or because I am lost.  Than we have the person rubbing their eyes in this universal "I give up/I can't cope" gesture.  The eyes are closed and the glasses are removed so I can not see or see clearly.  Maybe I have the tools (the glasses) but I am just not using them properly at the moment.

The top of the head has been replaced by a clock - time ticking away.  This is a very different type of internal biological clock that I felt when I was ready to have babies.  This clock is my life and opportunities slipping away.  The feeling of "I will never do ______ again".  Fill in the blank with "push a child on a swing", "get into shananagans with my friends", "fall in love".

Notice that at the bottom, there is organic baby food that is morphing into alcohol.  How did I get from being in control of everything to almost nothing?  I used to know what/when/where they ate/played/pooped/slept.  Now I am lucky if I get eat one meal a day with them or even meet their friends.  It hasn't happened yet, but I am waiting the day when one of the daughters comes home drunk and puking from a party (oh yes, it will happen eventually).

There is a stack of hundred dollar bills behind the right side of the head and hands.  Money is a big issue right now. I hate that it is.  I feel that at this stage of my life there should be less financial struggle. But the struggle is there everyday, and it becomes more obvious as designer clothes are requested, driver's license are archived and collage approaches. As I get older, their stuff gets more expensive.

Finally, in the upper right corner (the future) is a dinosaur skull. Every day I feel like I am more and more obsolete and archaic.  Sometimes I can not even understand the conversations taking place right in front of me - it's like they are speaking a foreign language.  I feel old. I am struggling to hang on to youth, but having teenagers is a constant reminder that youth belongs to them.

So there it is... "The Confused Parent"  The first in the Committee Suit.